Why did You make me black?

Too many people have never heard or read this poem… “Lord, why did you make me black?”

Lord, Lord, Why did You make me Black? Why did You make someone The world wants to hold back? Black is the color of dirty clothes; The color of grimy hands and feet. Black is the color of darkness; The color of tire-beaten streets. Why did You give me thick lips, A broad nose and kinky hair? Why did You make me someone Who receives the hatred stare? Black is the color of the bruised eye When someone gets hurt. Black is the color of darkness, Black is the color of dirt. How come my bone structure’s so thick; My hips and cheeks are high? How come my eyes are brown And not the color of the daylight sky? Why do people think I’m useless? How come I feel so used? Why do some people see my skin And think I should be abused? Lord, I just don’t understand. What is it about my skin? Why do some people want to hate me And not know the person within? Black is what people are “listed”, When others want to keep them away. Black is the color of shadows cast. Black is the end of the day. Lord, You know, my own people mistreat me And I know this just isn’t right. They don’t like my hair or the way I look. They say I’m too dark or too light. Lord, don’t You think it’s time For You to make a change? Why don’t You re-do creation And make everyone the same? GOD ANSWERED Why did I make you Black? Why did I make you Black? Get off your knees and look around. Tell Me, what do you see? I didn’t make you in the image of darkness, I made you in the Likeness of ME! I made you the color of coal From which beautiful diamonds are formed. I made you the color of oil, The Black Gold that keeps people warm. I made you from the rich, dark earth That can grow the food you need. Your color’s the same as the panther’s Known for (HER) beauty and speed. Your color’s the same as the Black stallion, A majestic animal is he. I didn’t make you in the Image of darkness. I made you in likeness of ME! All the colors of a Heavenly Rainbow Can be found throughout every nation; And when all of those colors were blended well, YOU BECAME MY GREATEST CREATION. Your hair is the texture of lamb’s wool. Such a humble, little creature is he. I am the Shepherd who watches them. I am the One who will watch over thee. You are the color of midnight sky. I put the stars’ glitter in your eyes. There is a smile hidden behind your pain. That’s why your cheeks are so high. You are the color of dark clouds formed When I send My strongest weather. I made your lips full so when you kiss The one that you love, they will remember. Your stature is strong; your bone structure, thick To withstand the burdens of time. The reflection you see in the mirror… The image that looks back is MINE. by RuNell Ni Ebo Inspired by the book of Genesis 1:26a and 27a&c And God said, Let us make man in Our image, after Our Likeness … So God created man in His own image … male and female created He them.

“The Kite Runner”

You MUST see this movie. Like. You must. It is epic. Long story short, it’s one story about one family affected by the turmoil in Afghanistan. Short story long, it’s about you, me, and our responsibility… worldwide.

My most favorite class I’ve ever taken, ever, was during the first semester of my freshman year in college. It was taught by Dr. Pamela Scully, unbeknownst to her, one of my sheroes. The class was AFS 190, a freshman seminar, entitled “Violence and Memory in Contemporary Africa.” The first day, I’ll never forget, she, a 6 foot tall thin blonde woman with a “weird” accent says… “Hello class, welcome. My name is Dr. Pamela Scully, but I believe that if you need the word ‘doctor’ in front of your name to gain respect, then you’ve already lost the battle. So just call me ‘Pamela.’” From then on, I knew that class would change me. And it did.

Pamela is why I’m an African Studies minor, and she’s why I lived in South Africa for six months, and she’s how I knew law was the profession for me. It’s too tough, and actually impossible, to retell what we discussed everyday during the fall of 2006… but let’s just say, I wept every single class period. We discussed almost every senseless and heinous crime in contemporary Africa and how and/or why it manifested. After learning that over 100,000 people were slaughtered in Rwanda in about 30 days at the hands of a few hundred men… in 1994, I lost it. I thought about how I was six at the time, with a three year old brother, living an amazing childhood replete with food, clothes, shelter, toys, school, and anything else I needed and wanted. And I thought about how my parents were grown in their 30′s with awesome jobs, the Olympics approaching Atlanta soon, and I thought and thought and thought. And I vowed to myself, silently, but emphatically, that over my dead body would I be able-bodied, with a voice and a purpose, and allow such a thing to happen EVER again. Anywhere in the world, especially during my lifetime. I could not believe that America knew, read, heard, listened, and saw those people dying. And did nothing. How inhumane. I promised I’d be that one person to make the difference. To speak up. To do better. I just knew I wouldn’t be one of those people.

And then… we have Sudan. And Uganda. And North Korea. And Afghanistan. And Iraq. And. America. And I feel like crap for not keeping my word. This movie is soooo important to see. As the desensitized Americans we are, we need personalized depictions. We need individuals. We need one story about one person and one life to realize how certain things affect the whole. So here it is. Here’s your Afghanistan 101. It’s not about the history, it’s not about the emergence of the troubles, and it’s not about the politics. It’s about the most important parts. It’s about the people.

I don’t know what my point is. I don’t know what I want, or what I expect… of you, or myself. But I know that once you know, you’re accountable. Once we become privy to information, we can’t ignore it anymore. Well, we can, but it becomes a choice. We can no longer say we didn’t know. As one of my favorite Christian artists says of her time at a Ugandan orphanage, “now that I have seen, I am responsible. Faith without deeds is dead” -Brooke Fraser. And with that, keep in mind Alice Walker’s June Jordan-inspired quote, “we are who we’ve been waiting for.”

So see it.  We’re grown now. We’re not six anymore. And nothing against our parents, but whether they knew or not, the didn’t know what to do next. And neither do I. But the whole point of story-telling, and studying history, and learning about the mistakes of others, is that we don’t make them again. So we may not know what to do, but we know what NOT to do. And here we are… doing it. Sudan is Rwanda number 2. but worse. And Afghanistan may just be the name of that place on the news with the Taliban and the insurgents, but six year olds live there too.

We can’t do everything, but we can do something. so… can we? do something? anything?

Do you ever wonder….

about yourself? I mean, of course we do. But do you ever feel yourself slipping away? Like you’re on the verge of becoming someone you don’t know. Or someone you’re not supposed to be. Or someone sub-par? It’s petrifying.

Anyone who knows me, knows how I feel about my study abroad experience. Without a doubt, I was my happiest I think I’ve ever been, ever, in Cape Town. I was at peace, I was serving people, I was worshiping, I was giving, I was living. I was doing everything I wanted to do… and all in light of Him. It was that intangible balance between practicing what you preach, and enjoying every moment… proven to be quite tangible. It’s real.

And I kick myself everyday for not holding onto myself in that form, and bringing her back to the states with me. That was a year ago, and not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. I read my Cape Town blog and I miss her. I was so different. But I was myself. And I don’t know what about this country makes it so difficult for me to be her. I mean, aside from the sex, drugs, violence, poverty, inequity, corruption, and all the “-isms” that are America… it cannot be that difficult. lol.

Even the simple stuff, the things that were once innate and mechanical day-t0-day happenings have fallen by the wayside for me. Stuff like reading my Bible. I used to do it multiple times a day. Everday. and now… ugh. I’ve just got to do better. Period.

Idk… just as a form of self-analysis. Check yourself every now and then to be sure you are you want to be, which should be who He wants you to be. I’m not. And I’ve gotta fix it. Starting now.

Random Thought of the Day:

I distinguish my goals from my dreams but… Is there really a difference between your goals and your dreams? If so, what are they and why the distinction? Can they be one in the same? But.. if they were the same, would you treat ‘em the same? Reach for ‘em the same? Be driven the same? Or more? Or less?

I’m beginning to think that the attainment and balance of that duality, while potentially impossible, is something I’m willing to go to the moon and back for.

I think therefore I tweet (contd.)

So, my social experiment is complete. I tweeted on paper for 24 hours to try to find out how and why I tweet so much and I’ve come to a few conclusions. My tweets for 12/11 are below.

-I’m about to pee my pants. John Mayer is coming to Atlanta in March.

-This is when being single sucks. I can’t go with my girls. I need a date

-Kem is coming too… I love him. But there’s no one to go with… I’m sad.

- Honestly… 5,159 tweets… who has that much to say?

- This John Mayer Pandora is amazing

-”The rain in New Orleans forgot to stop. But the mouths of the people are dry.” -Joshua Radin “Everything’ll Be Alright”

-”No one wants to be alone during Christmas time… won’t you be my valentine?” -JM

-#notetoself The Fray is amazing. Thank you John Mayer Pandora.

-I don’t want to have anything in my home that can’t be used or touched. Ever. I want my home to be lived in.

-No forbidden rooms. No forbidden objects. I should start now.

-I want to light these candles on my tables center piece… but I can’t bring myself to do it. Grrr!

-#notetoself go to soundcloud.com to embed the media thing

-People are so self-righteous.

-I’m scared of getting carpal tunnel.

-See, this is why i don’t turn on my facebook chat.

-Some weirdo from Egypt just tried to force me to comment something inappropriate on his picture.

-Maybe I should stop skyping too. My South African/Malawian/Mozambiquan friend just pretty much proposed to me.

- I am a habitual status liker.

-To try weave or not to try weave. That is the question.

-I am constantly amazed by the fact that aluminum foil does NOT get hot in the oven! SO COOL!

-I shole am sisterly. Anything they ask of me that I can provide, I do. I like that.

-They don’t all know/understand that though. I hate that… but I digress.

- I’ve already got my godson, now I’m going to have a goddaughter!!! Yay Kaydence!!! I love you already!

-People have hater complexes. I’m totally fine with not being hated, even though I probably am a little… saying that probably got me a hater or two. Sounds like a win win. Touche.

- 1. Why does Emory feel like it’s appropriate to already have my classes up for next semester in Blackboard?

- 2. More importantly, why is there something called “college senior graduation information.”

So, the tweets above total to 27. If that indicates an “average”, then with over 5,300 tweets… I’m no mathmetician, but that just doesn’t add up. So, I’ve been observing, and I know what makes twitter so much fun, so time consuming, and the reason why I tweet so much! (drummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm rollllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll) it’s the followers! duh!!! MOST of my tweets, and by most I mean easily 70-80% are responses, comments, or retweets to the people in my timeline. On top of that, I feel compelled to respond to almost every single retweet I get. If I don’t, I feel like I’m ignoring people. So, all in all, I feel better about myself. I no longer think that tweeting is some aimless, ego-boosting, waste of time and that I suck for being addicted to it. It’s really a way to hear and be heard. And as Lil Duval says, “there’s nothing wrong with being a follower, as long as you’re following the right people.”

And with that in mind… I’m satisfied. Tweet on!

@_JBo

I think therefore I tweet.

I’ve noticed I have a problem. I tweet waaaay too much, and I’ve tried to figure out why. Sometimes, I even make conscious decisions NOT to just because. I’ll say ok self, “no tweeting for the next hour, day, or week.” The longest I’ve gone is a little over a week and that was because one of my line sister’s changed my password so that I couldn’t login. (love you 5)… but one day, I tried something different.

One day, I wrote down everything I wanted to tweet… and it’s sad. I’ve begun to think in 140 characters or less, lol. It’s actually a pretty cool thing to do though. And of course, when you’re writing them down for only yourself to see, you write stuff you wouldn’t necessarily put on twitter. Well, unless you’re one of those tweeters.

Honestly, I don’t even know what the point is. It was just cool… I mean, I’m sure there’s some psychoanalysis that could be taken from something like that. Like, I’m sure you could take the themes or topics in your tweets, which are essentially your thoughts, and trace it to how you feel in life right now overall… are you negative, positive, happy, sad, a complainer, supportive, depressed, Godly, wholesome, lascivious, etc. That would be a good way to peek into the way we think… especially the way we think in terms of what we deem appropriate to share. I’m amazed everyday at what some people share on twitter. Not in a judgemental way for the individual per se, but as a judgement of our society and how we got to this point. How did we get to the point where people can tweet about ANYTHING… it’s public. It’s open. People can see you. How come people aren’t more conscious about what they tweet? What they share? Are people no longer concerned with image? I guess there’s something positive to say about the man/woman who doesn’t care what people think about them, but there could also be something negative. It’s like the internet version of being an open-book… no one wants to read you when all your pages are already on display. People want the archives and rare manuscripts… the stuff you’ve got to work for and the stuff not everyone has already seen.

There’s actually this thing called a tweet cloud which takes all of your tweets over the past day, week, month, year (whichever you want) and analyzes them. It tells you your most used words. It’s pretty cool; my number one used word  was “love.” That made me happy. Another one of my most used words was “library.” That made me sad. lol. But same concept as these tweet cloud ppl… perhaps we should just do it ourselves. Twitter is just the modern day public journal… but with feedback. I don’t even think it’s primarily used for “communication.” It can be used to communicate, but we’ve got short spurts of words to do that already… it’s called texting. Twitter is a way to type what you think, no matter how poignant or mundane, and see if people respond, and how. For many, I see them use it as an ego booster. A way to gauge how people think and respond to you. I’ve even participated in conversations with people who’ll say “no one re-tweeted me” or “how do I get more followers” or “re-tweet me”… myself included. And considering how much I tweet, I’m a little concerned about myself. lol… I know I don’t need an ego booster, nor do I need people’s responses or feedback to feel important, but at the same time… I tweet. Why then? For what? Why must I share so much? I don’t share EVERYTHING, but I write a lot of stuff/nothing. Why? Procrastination? Boredom? Compulsion? Like… what was I doing before twitter? I’m sure it was something much less time consuming… or maybe not (cough) Facebook (cough).

Idk… I just want to encourage you to try the write-your-tweets thing. In fact, I think I’ll do it and post it here tomorrow (again… why? why do I have to post it?) lol… Well, I’ll write this excuse off as needing a blog for tomorrow

…and if you want to know a little secret… my 12/2 post was the same day I tried the write-my-tweets thing. And what you see is a combination of my tweets… in poem format. That’s why it seemed so random compared to my other poetry (which I don’t share because… nevermind. another post for another day). And that’s also why I called it “Streaming unConsciousness”… sort of a play on stream-of-consciousness. It was random thoughts from throughout the day like stream of consciousness thinking, but I couldn’t believe I was sharing it because it was so personal, like in a state of unconsciousness, and the rest is history, lol.

So I’m going to try to write my tweets and call it a social experiment, lol. And then, I’m gonna try to psycoanalyze myself… but wait. That probably wont work because I’m me. I can’t analyze myself, can I? Well, of course I can, if we couldn’t then the term “self-analysis” wouldn’t exist. (shrug)… whatever. I’m going to try it and see where this goes. Feel free to join me… I’m going to try to go for 24 hours. Wish me luck.

I need twitter re-hab… like everything, except God, this only good in moderation.

ps. follow me. @_Jbo

The Watch or the Compass?

When we think of our lives, inevitably, we consider our purpose and our direction. In terms of how to handle these often overwhelming thoughts, I recently heard one of the most beautiful, and hopeful, analogies I’ve heard in a really long time… and yall know how I feel about positivity and optimism.

Are you a watch or a compass?

Watches tick incessantly. Quite literally, each tick represents a passing second, and after sixty of them, a passing minute. The purpose of a watch is to tell what time it is… but why?  We want to know what time it is because we want to know how little time we have left to do what we’re doing at the moment or how much time we have left before we have to do whatever it is we must do next. All too often, we think of our lives as watches. Things that run out of time and eventually expire… constantly anticipating the next thing.

But consider the alternative… a compass.

Compasses are naturally led by something larger. For them, it’s a magnetic field that leads it without fail and if we personify it, that larger force for us is God. The magnetic field always comes through. It never fails… because it’s natural. The compass just “is.” And in just “being” it is always on track because it allows itself to be led.

I like that. I wanna be a compass.

Random Thought of the Day

Growing pains hurt.

Stream unConsciousness

Don’t push me if you can’t catch… I will fall.

I like to be led. Walk up a little.

Ahead.

I’m not a fan of butterflies that won’t settle.

It’s scary but I like it. Won’t fight it. In one night it

Just happened.

I wish you were closer.

It’s not that I wanna be together.

I just wanna be.

Together.

Finally, I feel like my heart and my mind are in harmony…

best nine seconds ever.

Then, l I realized this isn’t up to me; it takes two.

So, what do you wanna do?

Better yet, what does He want us to wanna do?

Would this be on my mind and in my heart if He didn’t inspire it somehow?

If I could really put this into words the world would stop.

Never thought I could love anyone else in my weakness.

but.

I think I love you.

What if?

Be

My whole life, until recently, I’ve been the most sensitive, emotional, feeling-y person I knew. But sometimes after you go through stuff, and after you struggle a little bit, you become hardened. For me, it’s like a some kind of constant subconscious state of  self-preservation… like I’m trying to protect myself from some inevitable (yet non-existent) dangerous force. I’ll be honest. I’ve liked it. I’ve enjoyed not being that girl. I’ve enjoyed saying what I want, doing what I want, and being (a little) selfish. I’ve enjoyed putting myself first and not just saying that my priorities are in order, but actually acting out my priorities in their correct order… and not feeling guilty about it. It’s been fun going to church when I know I’ve had an important meeting… and being okay with it. It’s been fun watching tv when I know I should be doing work… just because. It’s been fun shifting my attention to and from certain relationships just because I know it’s where I’m supposed to be. And at the end of the day, it’s been so much fun because I’ve been so happy with the way things have turned out. I am really, genuinely, truly, happy.

The thing is though, sometimes I’m not sure about my stance on emotion. Sometimes, I think I’m cheating myself. Sometimes, I feel like I’m running from it. In the past, if I wanted to cry, I’d cry. If I wanted to get frustrated, I would. If stress came, I let it. Now, I don’t fight back tears… they just don’t come. I don’t get frustrated, because I don’t let would-be frustrating situations get to me. I don’t get stressed, because I don’t see potentially stressful situations as stressful. And that’s good! I like it. But what about other emotions… the good kind. I’m not sure if I’m fighting those off too. What if I want to feel empathetic, but can’t? And honestly, this is a real issue these days. My friends know not to come to me for relationship advice. I used to be a hopeless romantic with all the good advice about love and working it out. Now, those concepts make me vomit, lol. I’m on this whole independence, female strength, “do you” stuff. It’s been fun, it’s been real, and it’s been very helpful… but what if it’s stifling my progress and/or making me a sucky friend?

Basically, I should let emotion do it’s thing. Not necessarily win all the time, but let it run its course. Too much emotion still makes me vomit these days, but feelings have a place I guess, lol. Sensitivity, crying, emotions, lovey-dovey stuff, feelings, etc. really gets on my nerves but I guess it’s all there for a reason, lol. (If you knew me how I know me you would know how completely and utterly ridiculous all of this sounds coming out of my mouth… It all sounds SO out of character.) Anyway, this is random. I just felt like getting it off my chest.

Idk, I guess conclusively I’m just going to try and let down this wall I seem to have (unknowingly) built myself. I guess it’s a defense mechanism against some kind of invisible enemy. I should probably just be. Just allow. Just live. Just trust. Just know. Just believe. It’ll all work out in the end. I’ve got my protection and He’ll take care of me. Always.

Yeah, that’s it! That’s what it is. (I just had an “aha!” moment, as Oprah says). I’ve gotta just work on being… not being anything or anybody. I already am something and somebody. Now, I’ve just gotta “be.” Let God be God. There’s a beauty in that. Just being amazing because you are. Not because you are “insert adjective here.” Just because. You know, that’s how I feel about Alice Walker. It’s like every time I see her, she’s got this halo effect. It’s sooo weird. But I feel like she epitomizes awesomeness. And every time she speaks, and every time I shake her hand… it moves me. And she doesn’t talk real loud, or wear fancy clothes, or stand real tall. She just “is.” And just as simple as grass is grass and and child birth is child birth and Victoria Falls is Victoria Falls and aurora borealis is aurora borealis and love is love… and all just amazingly miraculously spectacular just by each of them being themselves… she is herself… amazingly.

It’s actually just as simple as that. If you’re a nice person, you’ll just be nice. You don’t have to to try because that’s who you are. The same applies to every positive characteristic people try to be. If you’re sweet, kind, funny, charismatic, a leader, in love etc. it’ll happen because that’s who you are. All you have to do is be.

Aurora Borealis as Aurora Borealis

Yeah, I want to be that. I just want to be. But be as amazing as myself being myself… just like grass is grass and and child birth is child birth and Victoria Falls is Victoria Falls and aurora borealis is aurora borealis and love is love. Those things just “are.” And in being themselves… they are miraculous.

Yeah, I’ll give that a go. Hell, I didn’t know I wasn’t. But I’ll give it another real serious conscious go.

I’m just gonna. Do. Exist. Live.

Just

Be.