Category Archives: Sum
“I am” in Latin. Topics under this category pertain to me.
Exhaustion
It’s #thatawkwardmoment when you realize your parents were right… or worse, when you hear yourself sounding just like them. As far back as I can remember, my Dad has always said “You’re doing too much. Sit down. You cant’ be two places at the same time. Slow down. Don’t join a gazillion clubs. Don’t run for president of everything. Prioritize.” He’s warned me that if I continue at the pace I’m going… I’ll be burnt out by 30.
Maybe his projection was generous because these days, I feel like an 80 year old woman trapped inside of a 23 year old’s body. If I continue at the pace I’m going, my body’s telling me I could be burnt out by 25.
When I think about what’s important… It takes days for me to return my family and friends’ calls. I never eat (right). I never sleep (well or long). I never workout (consistently). I seldom make it to church. And that’s the list in no particular order… family, friends, my health, my faith. If these aren’t going well… not much else matters. Stress-induced physical health problems are real, and to top it off, it runs in my family. I’ve seen the ramifications of stress on a person, a body, a mind. Stress has to be dealt with. Given that I’m a problem-solution oriented thinker… I’ve clearly been problem solving.
I’ve thought about going to “talk to somebody.” We, as Americans, already struggle with taking care of our mental health, and Black Americans seeing a shrink?!… hmph. Yea right. So since I have access to free mental health services, I was like… why not? I hear you’re supposed to go once a year like a physical anyway. But then the problem became, when? Every single day, I literally have an obligation after another obligation. Ok, plan B… But family’s too far and distantly supportive to really understand plus, I don’t want to worry them. Plan C: But then the friends you don’t want to bother all have their own lives and woes, and still other friends expect you to be superwoman. Honestly, I’ve know all along that all I really need is some time. To sleep. Rest. Relax. Center myself. You know… Eat. Pray. And love.
Honestly, before I even sat down to write this, I felt like I had SO MUCH to say. About how we’ve got to take better care of ourselves… mind, body, and soul. Do better. Understand that going hard doesn’t mean going to the hospital, etc. But even with these few short sentences, I find myself doing it again: The “get over it” speech that my mind gives my body without my permission. I realize I’m no anomaly. Everybody gets tired. Everybody goes hard. And as usual, my “get over it” mantra prevails. I’m not saying it’s right… but what are the alternatives? When I think of “solutions,” and what I could possibly do, there is no other option but to keep going.
My conclusions… Get over it. Do better. And venting helps. (even if it’s to the computer screen).
Plus, the hard work is often worth it if you love what you do. Shout out to teachers everywhere.
Why did You make me black?
| Too many people have never heard or read this poem…
“Lord, why did you make me black?” |
| Lord, Lord,
Why did You make me Black? Black is the color of dirty clothes; Why did You give me thick lips, Black is the color of the bruised eye How come my bone structure’s so thick; Why do people think I’m useless? Lord, I just don’t understand. Black is what people are “listed”, Lord, You know, my own people mistreat me Lord, don’t You think it’s time GOD ANSWERED Why did I make you Black? Get off your knees and look around. I made you the color of coal I made you from the rich, dark earth Your color’s the same as the Black stallion, All the colors of a Heavenly Rainbow Your hair is the texture of lamb’s wool. You are the color of midnight sky. You are the color of dark clouds formed Your stature is strong; your bone structure, thick by RuNell Ni Ebo Inspired by the book of Genesis 1:26a and 27a&c And God said, Let us make man in Our image, after Our Likeness … So God created man in His own image … male and female created He them. |
Happy Ash Wednesday!!!
I’m black. I’m Catholic. My family is from New Orleans and Memphis. I celebrate Mardi Gras… and I celebrate Lent. This year, I’ve decided to give up twitter and facebook, in addition to adding a weekly Bible Study and service component. I’m excited! And hopefully I’ll blog more often!
I’m excited about my sacrifices because emptying myself by giving up these things, which for me take up SO MUCH time, will allow God to fill me with the things that I should spend my time doing… Even if it’s nothing. After all, idle time isn’t so idle if you spend it right… ie. thinking about God, praying, meditating, doing homework, serving, sleeping, etc. The hours I used to spend tweeting and facebooking will be reallocated and I’m excited about that! Productivity is sure to be an inadvertent consequence.
Not to mention that sometimes, I’m not even spending “hours” per se, but I’m in my phone doing one or both of those things and am therefore not fully “present” wherever I am, may it be class, an event, a meeting, walking, or even a party. When Alice Walker spoke at Emory a couple of years ago she talked about the importance of being “present” where we are. We should be fully immersed in all situations. When you’re there, like really really really where you are, you learn all types of things about yourself, your experience, and your moment. It could be good or bad, but despite the goodness or badness, it’s a learning experience. When you’re “there” you can learn to appreciate the moment in all its splendor or negativity… and thus realize whether or not you want to ever return, and more importantly, if He wants you to return. Yes. I’m excited about that.
I’ve practiced Lent, successfully or unsuccessfully, for most of my life. For my own reasons, and “my own” being those that were taught to me, lol… but since then I’ve come up with my own importance for the season… And there is almost nothing more annoying to me than someone telling me when, where, or how I should love my God. There’s so much discussion about Lent this year, much more than years previous and I’m happy about that, but the discussion is less about the 40 days and 40 nights Christ spent in the desert being tempted by Satan and more about whether other people’s sacrifices are good enough. How dare I/you/he/she/them/we tell people whether or not their sacrifices are good enough?! That’s for God to judge. At least we’re trying. The real tests will come in two weeks when we see who’s still on board. Whew… ok. I’m better now. Thanks for listening 
And enjoy this song in the spirit of Lent… it’s one of the few songs that can make me cry on cue. It’s just that beautiful.
my favorite version is by New Orleans born Aaron Neville…
Lessons (2)
Lessons (part 2… collected since the last “lessons” entry)
- The danger of a single story is lethal.
- Some things sound so good in my head, I just wish you could be there.
- “Whenever you become upset, anxious, or uncomfortable, push through it. That’s probably when you’ll learn something.” -EDS prof
- Def Poetry jam was more than a tv show. It was a movement. For that, I miss it even more.
- The black man has learned to adapt to a place no one should learn to adapt to.
- Books are too expensive.
- “Help” implies a superiority in knowledge, resources, or status… we should call it a collaboration.
- In accordance with the previous… “If you’ve come here to help me you’re wasting your time. If you’ve come because your liberation is tied up with mine then let’s work together.” -Aborigine Proverb
- My faith is just that… MY faith. People who try to tell me how to practice it should pay more attention to their own.
- People shouldn’t be so caught up trying not to be arrogant that they diminish their excellence.
- I think I know my calling/purpose. I’m just scared of it… And that’s scarier than being scared of it.
- I am ready for love and I think it may be ready for me too. That’s simply petrifying.
Lessons
I’m not going to make any blogful promises that I can’t keep, but for real this time, I want to do this portion of my blog every week(ish)! Notice, I didn’t say I WILL do it every week, I said I want to! lol… But I’m learning so much and growing so much that many, if not all, of the lessons are worth sharing. Here are some from recent weeks and days:
- “Grown” is a subjective term used by each party for convenience. “Grown” infers independence, but we’re all interdependent by design. Everybody will always need somebody. So nobody is ever “grown.”
- Just because someone saw something special in you and decided to step out on faith to give you an opportunity does not mean that you shouldn’t try to pay it forward… but it also doesn’t mean that you’ve got to pay it forward to the first person you see who wants the same opportunity that you were so blessed to receive. Such choices affect more than just yourself. Everybody deserves opportunity, but everybody doesn’t deserve every opportunity.
- Always always always get a police report at a car accident. (don’t ask).
- Don’t ignore old problems as if they’ll disappear. Most likely, while you’re turning the other cheek, those problems are multiplying.
- Don’t take your education for granted. Just as quickly as you were given the wherewithal to pursue it… it can all vanish. Like that. (snap).
- Friends are everything. Absolutely everything. Like. Everything.
- You may be the best for someone you care about, but they may not be the best for you. And that’s okay.
- Privilege is real. Money dictates everything and can impede processes you deserve but can’t afford.
- I think I am a socialist at heart. Maybe even a communist… but both without the totalitarian regime.
- “-isms” blow. All of them… racism, classism, ageism, government -isms (capitalism, egalitarianism, communism, socialism, totalitarianism), egoism, nihilism, eurocentrism, afrocentrism, geocentrism, individualism, and the list goes on and on and on.
- Time flies when you’re having fun. And even when you’re not.
- You can’t look for love, but you can prepare for it. That way, when you and love meet, there’s no excuse to not go deeper, harder, stronger, better, longer, smarter, and more beautiful that you did the last time. It could be the last time… if you’re lucky. So be ready. Always.
- Men lie. About dumb stuff. Still.
- I still don’t know when to capitalize and not capitalize “Black” when referring to race and people. Maybe it’s a psychological thing… or a “to each his own” thing. But ironically, or not so ironically, I never capitalize white.
- Bandwagons exist… and they’re subtle, but sometimes overt. Either way, stay off of them. They crash every single time.
- Prayer is as essential as air.
I said this one day in highschool a loooong time ago, but shout out to the homies for remembering…
“Experience is my teacher, but curiosity is my principle.”… hence the lessons.
-me, lol
i know i know… who quotes themselves? but, whatev…
You ever…
You ever feel like your heart may be TOO big?
Like the kind of big where any and everything can hurt you? If you let it. And sometimes you do. The kind of big where you take on people’s pains, heartaches, struggles, fears, responsibilities and/or the stress that comes with managing them all, to the point that it overwhelms, and potentially consumes, you? Well, all that in addition to the pains, heartaches, struggles, fears, responsibilities, and the stress that comes with managing them, of your own? The kind of big where you can’t help but think of other people, domestic and international, whose problems are so much worse than yours that you sometimes neglect your own because you feel guilty for tending to them when their most basic needs aren’t met? The kind of big where the inability to solve everything, fix all things, and love everyone is so daunting that sometimes all you can think to do is cry?
No?
okay.
good.
“The Kite Runner”
You MUST see this movie. Like. You must. It is epic. Long story short, it’s one story about one family affected by the turmoil in Afghanistan. Short story long, it’s about you, me, and our responsibility… worldwide.
My most favorite class I’ve ever taken, ever, was during the first semester of my freshman year in college. It was taught by Dr. Pamela Scully, unbeknownst to her, one of my sheroes. The class was AFS 190, a freshman seminar, entitled “Violence and Memory in Contemporary Africa.” The first day, I’ll never forget, she, a 6 foot tall thin blonde woman with a “weird” accent says… “Hello class, welcome. My name is Dr. Pamela Scully, but I believe that if you need the word ‘doctor’ in front of your name to gain respect, then you’ve already lost the battle. So just call me ‘Pamela.’” From then on, I knew that class would change me. And it did.
Pamela is why I’m an African Studies minor, and she’s why I lived in South Africa for six months, and she’s how I knew law was the profession for me. It’s too tough, and actually impossible, to retell what we discussed everyday during the fall of 2006… but let’s just say, I wept every single class period. We discussed almost every senseless and heinous crime in contemporary Africa and how and/or why it manifested. After learning that over 100,000 people were slaughtered in Rwanda in about 30 days at the hands of a few hundred men… in 1994, I lost it. I thought about how I was six at the time, with a three year old brother, living an amazing childhood replete with food, clothes, shelter, toys, school, and anything else I needed and wanted. And I thought about how my parents were grown in their 30′s with awesome jobs, the Olympics approaching Atlanta soon, and I thought and thought and thought. And I vowed to myself, silently, but emphatically, that over my dead body would I be able-bodied, with a voice and a purpose, and allow such a thing to happen EVER again. Anywhere in the world, especially during my lifetime. I could not believe that America knew, read, heard, listened, and saw those people dying. And did nothing. How inhumane. I promised I’d be that one person to make the difference. To speak up. To do better. I just knew I wouldn’t be one of those people.
And then… we have Sudan. And Uganda. And North Korea. And Afghanistan. And Iraq. And. America. And I feel like crap for not keeping my word. This movie is soooo important to see. As the desensitized Americans we are, we need personalized depictions. We need individuals. We need one story about one person and one life to realize how certain things affect the whole. So here it is. Here’s your Afghanistan 101. It’s not about the history, it’s not about the emergence of the troubles, and it’s not about the politics. It’s about the most important parts. It’s about the people.
I don’t know what my point is. I don’t know what I want, or what I expect… of you, or myself. But I know that once you know, you’re accountable. Once we become privy to information, we can’t ignore it anymore. Well, we can, but it becomes a choice. We can no longer say we didn’t know. As one of my favorite Christian artists says of her time at a Ugandan orphanage, “now that I have seen, I am responsible. Faith without deeds is dead” -Brooke Fraser. And with that, keep in mind Alice Walker’s June Jordan-inspired quote, “we are who we’ve been waiting for.”
So see it. We’re grown now. We’re not six anymore. And nothing against our parents, but whether they knew or not, the didn’t know what to do next. And neither do I. But the whole point of story-telling, and studying history, and learning about the mistakes of others, is that we don’t make them again. So we may not know what to do, but we know what NOT to do. And here we are… doing it. Sudan is Rwanda number 2. but worse. And Afghanistan may just be the name of that place on the news with the Taliban and the insurgents, but six year olds live there too.
We can’t do everything, but we can do something. so… can we? do something? anything?
I think therefore I tweet (contd.)
So, my social experiment is complete. I tweeted on paper for 24 hours to try to find out how and why I tweet so much and I’ve come to a few conclusions. My tweets for 12/11 are below.
-I’m about to pee my pants. John Mayer is coming to Atlanta in March.
-This is when being single sucks. I can’t go with my girls. I need a date 
-Kem is coming too… I love him. But there’s no one to go with… I’m sad.
- Honestly… 5,159 tweets… who has that much to say?
- This John Mayer Pandora is amazing
-”The rain in New Orleans forgot to stop. But the mouths of the people are dry.” -Joshua Radin “Everything’ll Be Alright”
-”No one wants to be alone during Christmas time… won’t you be my valentine?” -JM
-#notetoself The Fray is amazing. Thank you John Mayer Pandora.
-I don’t want to have anything in my home that can’t be used or touched. Ever. I want my home to be lived in.
-No forbidden rooms. No forbidden objects. I should start now.
-I want to light these candles on my tables center piece… but I can’t bring myself to do it. Grrr!
-#notetoself go to soundcloud.com to embed the media thing
-People are so self-righteous.
-I’m scared of getting carpal tunnel.
-See, this is why i don’t turn on my facebook chat.
-Some weirdo from Egypt just tried to force me to comment something inappropriate on his picture.
-Maybe I should stop skyping too. My South African/Malawian/Mozambiquan friend just pretty much proposed to me.
- I am a habitual status liker.
-To try weave or not to try weave. That is the question.
-I am constantly amazed by the fact that aluminum foil does NOT get hot in the oven! SO COOL!
-I shole am sisterly. Anything they ask of me that I can provide, I do. I like that.
-They don’t all know/understand that though. I hate that… but I digress.
- I’ve already got my godson, now I’m going to have a goddaughter!!! Yay Kaydence!!! I love you already!
-People have hater complexes. I’m totally fine with not being hated, even though I probably am a little… saying that probably got me a hater or two. Sounds like a win win. Touche.
- 1. Why does Emory feel like it’s appropriate to already have my classes up for next semester in Blackboard?
- 2. More importantly, why is there something called “college senior graduation information.”
So, the tweets above total to 27. If that indicates an “average”, then with over 5,300 tweets… I’m no mathmetician, but that just doesn’t add up. So, I’ve been observing, and I know what makes twitter so much fun, so time consuming, and the reason why I tweet so much! (drummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm rollllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll) it’s the followers! duh!!! MOST of my tweets, and by most I mean easily 70-80% are responses, comments, or retweets to the people in my timeline. On top of that, I feel compelled to respond to almost every single retweet I get. If I don’t, I feel like I’m ignoring people. So, all in all, I feel better about myself. I no longer think that tweeting is some aimless, ego-boosting, waste of time and that I suck for being addicted to it. It’s really a way to hear and be heard. And as Lil Duval says, “there’s nothing wrong with being a follower, as long as you’re following the right people.”
And with that in mind… I’m satisfied. Tweet on!
